Dear Rachel, I’m still struggling with the death of my father and it’s been 20 years this October. We didn’t have the best of relationships. I’m strong willed and have the “stand up for the little guy” attitude which we struggled with. Any advice? Thanks – Anonymous 

Dear strong willed,

First, let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss.  Although you didn’t have the best relationship, losing your father is never easy.  God gave us an earthly father to help point us to Him and when sin came into play well sin is sin and we fail at our jobs a lot of the time.  If you had the opportunity what would you say to him today?  I have had many clients that have lost a parent they were not close with or had a very bad relationship with and when things are left unsaid or unheard there tends to be a gap.  The gap grows throughout time because it is still left out there taking more hits and causing erosion.  Have you tried writing down what you would say to him if you had the chance today?  Sometimes written word can help close the gap or at least start the process.  What you do with the letter is up to you whether you keep it, burn it, send up in a balloon; what matters is you got out what you needed to express.

Second, when it comes to being strong willed I totally get that, I am quite strong willed.  Sometimes God gives us that trait so that we can be the voice for the little guy, so it isn’t necessarily always a bad thing.  When stubbornness, bitterness and hatred take over from that strong will; then you have to ask yourself “is this something God would want me to fight” or “is this something I need to let Him fight alone”.  Keep in mind “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms“ (Ephesians 6:12).  All battles should be fought with the Lord without Him we will end up right back where we started.

The fact that you recognize where your strong will comes from is a huge step towards fixing what you want to fix.  No relationship is perfect like your relationship with God who will not let you down.  Praying for you through your grief and your journey to forgiveness.

-Rachel

“6 Be strong! Be courageous! Do not be afraid of them! For the Lord your God will be with you. He will neither fail you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6).