Dear Rachel,

New mom here and a little at a loss. I can’t seem to bond with my baby….sure I gave birth to him but I feel so much better when I am away from him then when I am with him. I know that sounds terrible! Is there something wrong with me? Will things get better? -New Mama

Dear Mama,

First off congrats on being a new mama and happy first Mother’s Day! Becoming a mom is one of the greatest honors in life being by birth, adoption, or mothering many through service to the motherless.

Thank you for having the courage to bring up a topic that is hard to admit and even harder to swallow. Bonding with your child as a mother is supposed to come natural right? I mean look at all the Facebook and Instagram posts showing new mama’s with big smiles, longing looks and ginormous amounts of pure joy…… Honestly what you see is not always what you get! Bonding is a process which takes patience, love and more patience.

As a new mom our hormones are insane….totally not saying this lightly. Not only are you dealing with the rush of hormones but you are dealing with becoming selfless instead of our former selfish selves. Yes the selfless part of having babies is one of the hardest habits to break as a mom. Seriously imagine life before only worrying about what you would cook after you got home from work to what am I going to throw together for dinner with a babe in hand and a body that is screaming WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE! Life changes when baby comes….this is a fact.

So we have that change, along with so many more changes; but let’s get back to bonding with baby when we just begin learning to be selfless as a mama. (Don’t get me wrong I am not talking about totally giving up on ourselves we still need time to recharge and focus on ourselves to be a good mom; I am talking big picture). Being selfless is difficult but it is a key ingredient to bonding. Bonding is to “join or be joined securely to something else, typically by means of a adhesive substance, heat, or pressure” (thank you Google).

Sometimes bonding is instantaneous. Think about a time in your life where you just knew something was perfect for you; a relationship, a car, a pet, a church, or a job. You can and probably have bonded to one of these or more in your life. So when bonding with your newborn baby that grew in your own body is not instantaneous this can be shocking and devastating.

Please know you are not alone there are many of us out there who have failed to bond instantaneously. There are numerous factors to why that bond may not be there right away. Some are: exhaustion, difficult or traumatic labor, unwanted or unexpected pregnancy, depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties with a family member or spouse, breastfeeding difficulties, resentment for all the changes, fear, loss of old life, chemical imbalances and the list goes on and on. Getting to the root of why bonding with your little one is proving to be difficult is an important thing to explore. You can do this by journalling, seeking counsel from other moms or a counselor or even safe mom’s groups online. Focus on the Family is also an excellent source to find information and resources online.

In the mean time though continue to touch, hold, snuggle, feed, rock, stroke, talk to, sing to and be near your baby as you both take new steps towards trusting. Your baby needs this and so do you. This will help form the bond you are both yearning for. Remember every mama, baby and bond is different. For instance the bond with each of my five kids is unique with their temperaments. No one has everything textbook.

Lastly please remember to put your oxygen mask on first. Get rest, ask for help when you need it, and don’t let shame rule you when you do. To be a happy, healthy mama you have to make sure you find time to recharge.

-Rachel